I confess.

To everyone.

I am still a virgin.

I have never had a Girlfriend

And for those who thought I’ve had one before, It was a lie.

One reason why this all began was jealously.

Jealous of the fact that everyone else was able to experience a relationship.

The fact that they were able to share a “special connection” with someone else.

So to give myself something to talk about when the subject of relationships came up. I made things up just so I can go along with the subject, and to not just listen.

I was living in a made up fantasy the past 5-6 years.

Another reason was because of judgment.

Having mostly girl’s as friends, led to a lot of questioning.

“Why don’t you have any guy friends? Are you gay?”

People decided just to jump to conclusions and accuse me of being gay.

So then I started making things up to change that outlook.

I Told people that I’ve had sex with girls, to straighten things out. If you catch my drift.

But I am straight, so you don’t have to question that.

I am letting all this out now, because I feel that I have grown enough to finally be okay with who I am, what I haven’t done, and what I haven’t experienced. Being a virgin or not does not change who I am as a person inside. I am still the same Anthony Tilar that everyone knows.

I am sorry for the years of lies. It all comes to an end today.

My name is Anthony Tilar, and I am a virgin.

And I am proud to say I’m saving it for someone special.

After thoughts.

Today and yesterday was pretty intense for me.

Went to Cal Poly and took the Barkada Modern Auditions/Workshops

Overall I am happy with how I did.

I may not be as skinny as the other dancers.

I may not move as smooth or as fast.

But I did what I can, and I did it well.

In the end, I will not be going the last 2 days (Wed,Thurs) for the official auditions to get on the team.

Don’t see this as me giving up.

My goal coming to these auditions/workshops was to be able to keep up and finish a routine created by a competing dance crew.

And you know what, I completed that goal. I finished a routine, and shit, I rocked that shit.

I’m very happy with my self, and I will definitely be training more and more.

Go with me.

its to late.

The car ride to the airport was a quiet one as I held your hand in mine.

I see in the corner of my eyes your lips quiver, as if you we’re about to say something that would change my decision.
But the words I was looking for never came out.

We arrive at the airport and things are still quiet.

You approach the ticket counter, the receptionist verifies “Just one ticket correct?”

With a shaky unstable voice you answer “y..yes..” as you look back to me with those eyes full of hope that I would walk over and change my mind about things.

I stood my ground.

We began to take our place on the uncomfortable airport benchs, knowing that the next 30 minutes will drag on to what would seem like days.

We sat there quiet, still with your hand in mine.

Your flight number was announced over the intercom, the moment when we go our seperate ways.

As we hug you attempt to whisper something into my ear.

This was the moment that I was waiting for, what you say right now will determine everything for us. The words that will simply make whatever that had happen between us go away. The words that I was looking for for the past eight months.


“I……love you….”

Not the answer I was looking for.

I give you a kiss, and I let go of your grasp.
As you walk towards the terminal gates a whole swirl of emotions run through me.
The whole image of you walking away seemed so surreal to me.
You turned around the corner and is no longer in my eyesight.

I let out a tear, and said to my self.

“All you had to do is say sorry.”

hardm.

I miss how you would always cover my eyes from behind, and play “Guess who?” Even though I always know it’s you, I play along because once I turn around to see you, I get the same cute look on your face every time.
You scrunch your nose and close your eyes as you purse your lips.

The look you only gave me. And you told me this.

I miss the way you held my hand. It tells me what you feel at that exact moment. The feeling of security. The feeling of fear. When you want me to hold you closer. When you want me to let you go on your own.

The hands only I get to hold. And you told me this.

I miss the way you hugged me. It told me what you needed. When you need someone to keep you warm on a cold night. When you need someone to hold after a fight with your mom. When you wanted everything to get better just by a simple touch.

The hugs only I get to have. And you told me this.

I miss the way you kissed me. It showed me your passion. How much you wanted me. How much you needed my affection. How much you needed everything around us just to dissapear just for a few seconds. And no matter how old I get, your kisse’s on my bruises make the pain go away.

The kisses only I get to have. And you told me this.


What I hated.

I hated the way you lied to me. The way you hid someone else 3000 miles away. The way you made me think that you wanted to be with me forever. The way you stopped me from moving with you to New York to convince your mom to let us stay together.

But what I hated most.

Realizing that the way you smiled, held my hand, gave me hugs, and your kisses was being shared with another guy.

That's why it’s so hard to make my decision right now.

they make my weekends.

nice?

just a nice guy.

Nice guy’s finish last.

Well that’s how the saying goes right?

Unfortunately that’s a saying that I believe is completely true.

Lets apply this to social life:

Who is more remembered?

A. The guy who helped a person up off the floor.
or
B. The guy who punched the person who is now on the floor.

Now think hard, and answer this HONESTLY.


Being a nice guy doesn’t help at all while looking for a relationship either.
Being TOO nice lands you in the “Friend trap.” While you are stuck in this trap, the “Bad” guy comes in and scoops up what you could’ve had.

So you are stuck in this position. What do you do?

You can either stick by her and hope that maybe one day she’ll realize that you we’re the one for her. Or you can just move on and forget about her.

But of course being the “Nice guy,” you don’t want to desert her. So you stick by her. The bad thing about this choice you have to hear her talk about her boyfriend. Yeah, the “Bad Guy.”
No matter what though, you have to stick through it and just listen. Cause that’s what “Nice Guys” do right? Because deep down you still think that you have a chance with her.

In the end, you just get walked all over on. The door mat. The person who can’t say no to anything. Putting others before yourself.

This was my story.

Things are different now

But I am still the “Nice guy”

I still believe a guy can find that one girl without having to put up front.
Without lying.
Without being a jerk.

Just being YOURSELF.

I will say exactly what I feel and what I think about you.
I am just looking for a girl who can return the favor.

I’m just sick of finishing last.

(does any of this shit even make sense. -.-)

gah

Just recently I was experiencing a REALLY bad trip.

Found my self getting completely irritated, and annoyed

and found myself at a fork in the road.

I journeyed down the less familiar road and found myself

riding through this treacherous course of twists and turns.

I begin to panic.

Left and right, one after another. Had no clue what to expect around the next bend.

It grew dark and foggy. I should have been slowing down, but I kept my speed up.

I hit a wet spot, and spun carelessly out of control. Falling endlessly down the steep cliff.

All went dark.

I try to open my eyes, but the weight of a thousand guilts keep them close.

I reach my hands out and feel something foreign.

What could it be? Is this my blood?

Whatever it was, it left me empty, and in pain.

I pass out.

Hours later I wake up, looking up at a cold white ceiling.

What happened? Where was I?

Couldn’t remember anything from the previous night.

I remember enough to say this though.

Never again am I traveling down an unfamiliar path.

The worst trip ever.

normally

things either go by REALLY slow
or
REALLY fast

but lately things have just been REALLY slow
now that my bday has passed, and baby jai is born
there's nothing to anticipate anymore
nothing to look forward too.

don't get me wrong though
i still hella enjoy the random days with the fs5s
but away from them
u start to realize just exactly how boring your life is


life needs to throw another curve ball at me


until then

not so big post.

but this vid got my mind off things.

be prepared

big post coming soon.



stay tuned.

hecktic week.

last week was pretty intense and hecktic

with the many hospital nights with no sleep waiting for baby jai to come out

the uncomfortable chairs

crappy tv channels

to the shitty nurses making stupid ass mistakes.

but after all the twists and turns, there is a new edition to the ovalles/ismael family.

introducing:

Jezmarai Alani Faith Ovalles Ismael




Congratulations MC and Jesse

Thanks for letting me be apart of everything
spending practically every other day seeing MC's stomach grow
getting to know the family so well
and the birth of Jai.

I feel honored to be included in the birth and growth of Jai.



good night.

sunday.

yesterday (sunday)

went to aquarium of that pacific

with these great ppl

afterwards

went to tommy's, bomb ass burgers

took a quick stop at the driving range

and went to blockbuster and rented fear 2 and resident evil 5

scary shit.

heres some pics from the day.

it's all coming to me.

people can spend a life time looking for that one group of friends that will complete you

but i feel that i am no longer part of that crowd.

i have found that set of friends that i know are down for me.


i have a theory about friendship that i think alot of ppl will agree with me on.

if a group of people are ment to be friends, there would be no need to chase after each other.

they would just naturally gravitate towards eachother with little effort.


jesse, emcay, tin tin, and meesh are people i know forsure that will back me up.

and they know forsure i have their backs till the end of time.

i love them all and expect to hear alot about them in my blogs

outrooooo

fuh.

i've been gettin hella irritated lately

ppl are just annoying the shit out of me

usually my tolerance of people being stupid asses are high.

but fucking, why can't people just be a LITTLE smarter

especially my grandma
her:"wheres your dad? is he home?"

me: "where else would he be, all the cars are here"
her: "well where is he then?"
me: "in his room"
her: "whats he doing in there" (NOTE: my parents are ALWAYS in their room.)
me: "he's sleeping"
her:" why is he sleeping?"

WOW seriously?

later on in the conversation

her: "is he walking?"
me: "yeah hes walking, we went out today"
her: "yeah but is he walking?"
me: "well how else is he gonna get around when we go out"
her: "i know that but is he walking?"

I hope you get the picture.

now this is pretty much the same shit i hear everyday from my grandma

I can't TAKE it, fuck.

if she wants to know how he's doing, she can just go walk to his room and ask him herself.

gah -.-

on a happy note.....

lets end this with a pic.




from mariels bday last night.


LA

dude

this past weekend has been pretty bomb

saturday i was out with fs5s over in riverside

christine got her shirts so we were reppin that all day.




took some pics for funkadeliks myspace, shit came out booommmb.



ended the day with another left4dead session with jesse,emcay, and christine



saturday was sunday cousin funday

had a potluck at my uncle's new appartment.

food was bomb and having the family around was great.

ended it by watching quarantine (still sucks)




today i got my car back

my baby is beautiful agian

and runs hella smoother than be4

jesse, emcay and meesh came over for a lil bit.

that was great cause hardly anyone comes over.

christine got jealous cause she wasnt here with us xP

so bomb.




bang.

dude.

seriously now.
it has been 25 days since my car accident
25 days and its STILL not fixed.

i keep hearing "oh it will be done by [insert day here]"
when that day comes, still NO car.

i'm tired of getting my hopes up.

i just want my DAMN car.


i want my freedom back.

i need to get out.

.

now you caught my heart for the evening

kissed my cheek, moved in, you confuse things

should i just sit out or come harder

help me find my way.

hmm

yesterday was pretty down

morning had to take my dog to the vet
she had a hurt leg

jesse,emcay, meesh and their dad dropped by to pick up jumper cables in my car

picked up my cuzzo cause she wanted some ipod songs



vanessa and charlie came over for a lil bit to kick it


then headed over to rowland for my uncle and aunts small bday dinner.


pretty chill dayyyy

vday

another vday...
alone.

well not really alone
cause TINS lonely, and then i'm lonely
and we are both being lonely together

so technically we're not alone?

bahaha i dont know.

25

well if yall dont have a facebook and didnt get to see this
read it yo.


Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, copy and paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.



1. I hate being underestimated, just because I am big, that doesn't mean I am not able to do what everyone else can do.

2. It is very hard for me to forgive people, especially if the situation is bad. If you have ever stabbed my back, tossed me a side, used me for things, and I've caught you, Good luck trying to make it up to me, cause once you lost my trust, it takes a shit load to get it back.

3. I love it when people think I'm stupid or put me on a lower level than them. Reason being is because when then time comes, I can surpass them and show them up. I love the look on the persons face when they say "Where the fuck has he been?" or "What has he been doing all this time?"

4. I don't judge a person based on how they look or appear, I don't make assumptions about anyone at all. But I will come to a conclusion on said person after I have talken to them one on one.

5. Normally I am the quiet one in class, but you can always catch me throwing in a comment here and there to get people laughing.

6. A favorite past time of mine is driving down the streets cruising at a slow 40 mph pace at 3-4am with my windows down, listening to some slow hiphop or RnB as i watch the street lights pass by me. Words can't describe the feeling I get when I do that.

7. I wear fake nerd glasses to throw people off.

8. I hate doing surveys like these, because seriously I HATE talking about myself. Whenever I'm hanging out with a person, I try not to talk about myself as much as possible, cause I really hate it. I don't find my life really worth talking about.

9. I consider a true friend is one who will always be there for you, not judge you for the things you do, can tell you where you fucked up, and no matter HOW long its been since the last time you guys have talked, its like nothing has ever changed. There is only a FEW people I can really consider my TRUE friends.

10. I strongly believe in the "Law of Attraction." I never doubt my self when it comes to something I want. I know I will get it, its just a matter of WHEN I will get it and HOW HARD I work to try and get that certain something.

11. I stay as positive as I can, I really dislike it when I hear other people thinking negative.

12. Back in the day, I used to be a naive little Filipino boy who thought the world was gonna end, and was extremely self conscious. I always try to impress everyone I meet, and that usually leads to my downfall.

Now I am a new person, and I do shit for myself. I don't gotta impress no one BUT myself.

13. I am finding it really hard to come up with 25 random facts.

14. The type of music I listen to all depends on the mood I am in. Each genre is a different mood.

15. I used to change my personality around people I don't know, but not anymore. If they don't like how I really am, then fuck bitches.

16. I go with the flow and take whatever is presented in front of me. I keep it spontaneous. I hate keeping to a plan or a schedule(not saying I am gonna go bail on people) cause I don't like my life being controlled. I control my life the way i want to.

17. I don't chase after ANYONE. Whether it is some girl that I think is really cute, or simply just one of my friends. I figure that if things are already going great, there would be no need to chase after a person. Things would just naturally gravitate towards each other.

18. I have a communication policy that I go by, I don't IM, Text, Call, Comment, Message, etc... First AT ALL. There is a part of me that feels like contact a person first, I will interrupt them in whatever they are doing. I hate that feeling of getting in the middle of something big. So if you ever get a Comment or anything first from me, you should be pretty damn happy. lol

19. I hate hearing from people "oh i miss you so much" "oh i want to hang out" "blah blah blah blah" I don't wanna hear it, I would rather SEE it. You miss me? SHOW IT when I see you. You wanna hang? Try to plan something with me and follow through with it. Actions are stronger than words.

20. I don't smoke, I don't blaze. I don't hookah, I don't do drugs, I don't club, and I don't rave. Those are just not my things. I am just a laid back chill type of person, I find other ways to have fun while avoiding all of the above.

21. I hate leaving a persons life knowing that I did not leave a lasting impression on them.

22. To tell you the truth, I do not know what I am going to do with my life. I have so many options that I can pick from, but I simply cannot decide on just one. I figured that I would be happy with whatever god has picked for my destiny. Until then I will just continue moving on forward.

23. It is rare for me to come out and tell you what is on my mind, or how I am feeling. It's not because I don't want to share weakness, It's because i don't like to burden others with whats going on in my life.

24. I also rarely get angry. Ask anyone who really knows me. Normally I have a high tolerance towards a lot of things. But when the time comes and I do get mad. I get MAD. Usually to see that side, you would have to talks hit about my friends, family or anything I believe in.



25. Hi my name is Anthony Tilar, I am 18 years old, and I would love to play a part in your life.

face it.

interesting enough, i am pretty content with life.
going to college
have a down-as-fuck group of friends
barely anything holding me back at all.
but this is just for right now.

what's in store for me over the hill?
what does my future hold for me?
will I be as successful as i set my self out to be?
or will i be another unsuccessful dipshit?

2009 is definitely a life changer for me.
anything can and will happen.
i guess i'll just take things as they come to me

one event at time.



ps. imma leave at least one picture that ive taken with every post.

newshit

so i got tired of my livejournal and made this

it kinda suits me i think
first post = not much to say

but i'll leave u with this.


got hope?